Pet Wood

Pet Wood

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Pet Wood

Move over pet rock. Introducing the Pet Wood!

How many conversations have started with “I’ve got wood, would you like to pet it?” Sadly, not enough, but times they are a changing. Pet Wood doesn’t disappoint or wet on the carpet. It just sits there waiting for you. What a time to be alive!

Got Wood?

Pet Wood is as hard as they come, and nothing is going to change that. It’s like the Viagra of the flora world, so you’re always ready with a quick answer. You’ll never leave home without it, and your significant other will never want it too far from the bed. The great thing about Pet Wood is it’s always there - man’s new best friend.

Who Would Love Pet Wood?

Anyone with a little slack in the main sail will love the confidence that comes with a Pet Rock. It can go with him anywhere and doesn’t require a carrying crate or litterbox. It’s also great for the women in your life who miss that old mahogany spirit that left you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I get a bigger one?

No two Pet Woods are the same. Just like any other, uh, pet, it’s beautiful and unique just as it comes. Everyone knows that it’s not the size that counts, and, to date, everyone has been satisfied with their Pet Wood experience. It’s getting rave reviews and some women are buying them for themselves. When they get lonely, Pet Wood is always there.

Can I name it Willie?

Willie is a popular name for a Pet Wood, as is Peter and Rooster. Feel free to name your Pet Wood anything you like; it’ll be faithful no matter what it’s called. Each Pet Wood is a one of a kind, so you’re getting an individualized experience, and that deserves a proper name.
WARNING: Pet Wood is for novelty purposes only. Don't ever put this bad boy anywhere you'd be embarrassed to have emergency personnel remove it from. And, dude. Splinters.

Why We Love It

— Jessi, Funslurp Buyer Jessi, Funslurp Buyer


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