Life lesson: Don’t torch your squirrel on a deck

Some think of squirrels as furry little woodland friends. Watching them scurrying around the yard, leaping from bough to bough and running along telephone wires like hairy tightrope-walking ninjas is a form of family friendly entertainment.

For others, they’re dinner. Hunt ’em. Grill ’em. Eat ’em. Dinner.

There’s nothing wrong with dining on some tree rat, unless, of course, you happen to set your apartment building on fire. Which, as the fire fighters in Holland Township, Michigan would tell you, is entirely possible when using a blow torch to singe the hair off the furry catch of the day.

Earlier this month, a resident of the Clearview Apartments was fixin’ to cook himself some squirrel when he apparently got the flame of his blowtorch a little too close to his third floor deck. Not only did his deck go up like the pyrotechnics at a KISS concert, but so did eight apartments, which were all totally destroyed.

Some luckier apartments did escape the squirrel related building barbecue with smoke and water damage. By the end of the day, 32 apartments were rendered uninhabitable, but no residents were injured. Unfortunately, there was a firefighter who suffered a broken toe and the squirrel was totally inedible.

I think there is a crystal clear lesson here. If you’re in a hurry to eat the neighborhood fauna, play it safe and skip the torch or fry that crispy critter on a cement patio.

Your neighbors will thank you for it.

Check out FunSlurp’s unique bbq accessories here!


In the News: When Good Pants Go Bad

It’s a darn shame when a perfectly good pair of pants are dragged down the slippery slope of criminal activity by some not-so-smart common criminals. The shame is magnified exponentially when they’re caught and exposed in the news.

Caught With His Pants Down

Juan Luis Gutierrez of Lake Wales, Florida was recently arrested for beer theft. While fleeing the store, a surveillance camera focused on the parking lot caught him running to the getaway car. Typical, right? Not so much. Just feet away from the vehicle, his baggy pants fell down around his ankles, tripping him and causing him to drop his loot. No booze. Mooned the camera. Went to jail. Epic fail for him, hilarious for us. You can even see the video here.

Is That A Snake in Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Eric Fiegel of Arizona was arrested this week for pocketing $4000 worth of baby albino boa constrictors, that well, he didn’t so much pay for. Not only was the theft clearly caught by a surveillance camera in the shop, but Fiegel took the snakes to another pet shop and sold them for some cash and a reptile tank, leaving his name and contact information. Hopefully, he’s learned not to put other people’s snakes in his pants.


Banana Fights Back! Ohio Gorilla Mascot Attacked

Last week, an unsuspecting gorilla mascot, stationed outside a cellular store in Strongsville, Ohio, was taught an unusual lesson about the modern food chain.

Bananas have long since been the underdog in the war between primates and fruit, and apparently, they’ve had enough.

It was an ordinary day for The Wireless Center’s gorilla mascot, until an unidentified banana-clad teenager jumped out from some bushes and ran full steam ahead at him, knocking him to the ground. The courageous gorilla chose not to fight back, but simply picked himself up, re-adjusted his furry head and kept waving his sign.

The brazen banana remains at large.

It’s lucky for him that the gorilla man involved embraced peace, but who knows what would happen if such a twisted tale of banana on gorilla violence spread to the gorilla mascot community? I believe we might see a rash of retaliatory assaults taking place.

Such a horrific incident might look like this:

I dream of a day when banana men and gorilla people can live together in harmony. Will such a glorious day ever come?

Man Frequently Flies the Friendly Skies in Skimpy Women’s Clothing

A frequent air traveler has been getting a lot of press lately, due to his interesting choice of flight attire. The man, who wishes not to have his name in print, has been posing for plenty of photos wearing little more than women’s underwear or skimpy getups fit for a bizarre, yet profitable, night of hooking. Luckily, I found this video where he identifies himself as “Howard.”

Howard travels regularly for business, and finds his outrageous outfits make flying around the country more enjoyable. I can see how it would make the ordinary a little more extraordinary.

I’ve never been on a plane, but a chance encounter with this mysterious, cross-dressing, middle-aged fly-guy, might be all the incentive I need to get over my fears. Could you imagine the awesome wisdom this dude has to share? I’d have so much to blog about. No gray-haired business man can pull-off a ‘working girl’ ensemble like this without having something profound to say.

Thank you, Howard, for making navigating life even more awkward for everyone with the stones to take to the skies.

English Chap Learns Not to Name Boat Titanic II…The Hard Way

gin titonic

Do you believe in jinxes? I’m pretty sure Mark Wilkinson from Birmingham, England does…now.

Wilkinson recently took his 16-foot cabin cruiser, emblazoned with the name “Titanic II” out for the first…and last…time. All was well until he was headed back to shore and the Titanic II decided to give the maiden voyage an ironic twist.

It…dun, dun, dun….sank.

Yep, that’s right. Blub, blub.

Fortunately, Wilkinson was able to swim away from the boat and hung onto some pilings until the harbormaster could rescue him and bring him safely to shore. After examining the boat, he feels a repair to the fiberglass hull gave out, causing the Titanic II to take it’s not-so-awesome dip in the drink.

I think we can all take a little life lesson from this experience. If you spend a ridiculous amount of cash on a luxury toy, don’t give it a name associated with disaster and tragedy.  You might as well name it “The Floating Deathtrap,” “Sinky McOceanfloor,” or “The Bobber.”

If you really want to honor the Titanic, buy a bottle of Beefeater and cool it with some of our ironically refreshing Gin and Titonic ice cubes.

Happy Friday!

Thief Steals Beans From Drugstore

butt shortsA drugstore in Pascagoula, Mississippi has been plagued with a rash of break-ins and robberies lately. The pharmacist quickly recognized that the only thing being stolen was a prescription pain medication called Lortab.

Tired of the burglaries, but knowing they’d continue, the pharmacist emptied a large bottle of Lortab and refilled it with kidney beans.

True to the pattern, on Wednesday morning, another break-in occurred, and wouldn’t you know it? The burglars took a giant bottle of Lortab. Well, at least they thought so, anyway.

Right about now, they’re probably looking for a larger bottle of Beano.

I’m sure they’ll be the butt of every joke their criminal buddies can think of. What a gas!