No Bacon Shortage at FunSlurp.com

bacon lovers package

A world with less bacon? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

The mere thought of a bacon shortage makes us cringe. Visions of zombified bacon-hungry Americans shambling from grocery store to corn butcher shop chill us to our bones. That’s why we’re dedicated to making darn sure there is no bacon shortage on FunSlurp.com!

We’re taking a stand. Right here. Right now. Up yours, Department of Agriculture! We got oodles of funny bacon gifts, because America needs it!

We’ve got bacon for your car!

dancing dashboard bacon

Dancing Dashboard Bacon

We’ve got bacon for your lips!

bacon lip balm

Bacon Lip Balm

We’ve got bacon for your breath!

bacon candy peppermints

Bacon Candy Peppermints

We’ve got bacon for your teeth!

bacon toothpaste

Bacon  Flavored Toothpaste

We’ve got bacon for your money!

bacon wallet

Bacon Wallet

Heck we even have bacon for your Christmas Tree!

bacon christmas tree ornament

Bacon Ornament

We’re not happy about all this bacon shortage business, so we refuse to be any part of it! You want fun bacon gifts? We’ve got just what you need and we always will!

Hop over to our Weird Bacon Products page and check out all of these fabulous bacon goodies plus a whole lot more!

Why Bacon is Good for You

Bacon is the king of breakfast meats. Sausage and ham are just jealous posers. You know it. I know it. The world knows it.

Still, some “medical professionals” get down on bacon for being “unhealthy.” Some crap about clogged arteries and blood pressure. Blah, blah, blah. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the ham and sausage people are paying them off.

It raises eyebrows, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I’m here to prove that bacon has its medical benefits.

Exhibit A:

Bacon Soap: Being dirty is nasty. It can lead to all sorts of cooties hanging around, not to mention unappealing natural aromas that people tend to emit when other people (side eye to the other breakfast meat folks) get all up in their faces about bacon being bad for their tickers.

Exhibit B:

Bacon Floss: Rotting, cavity infested teeth? Not hot, or healthy. Flossing is an undeniably important step in proper oral care–yet millions of people skip it every single day. Why? Because floss generally tastes like mint–which everyone knows mucks up the taste of a crispy piece of bacon. Clearly, the only solution to the nation’s aversion to flossing is to make that waxy string taste like meat–scrumptious, salty, crispy pig meat.

Exhibit C:

Bacon Toothpaste: See Bacon Floss.

Exhibit D:

Bacon Toothpicks: What do you do when you’ve just finished a meal and you have a piece of food stuck in your teeth? The world keeps spinning whether there’s popcorn between your molars or not. So, unless you want to risk losing your job so you can quickly run to the bathroom and brush your teeth, you need to use toothpicks. Having food trapped between your teeth is going to lead to poor oral health, which will cost you an arm and a leg in dental bills, not to mention you could get a serious case of funk breath, which will repel your significant other. And everyone knows studies have shown that married people live longer. Yeah…that just happened.

Exhibit E:

Bacon Lip Balm: Dry, cracked, chapped lips can result in open sores on a very important orifice. Who loves open sores? Bacteria. Are you following me here? If you don’t properly moisturize that kisser, you’re in for a world of hurt.

Exhibit F:

Bacon Band Aids: Speaking of boo boos and bacteria, you’ve got to cover that junk up if it’s going to heal. Slapping a bacon adhesive bandage on that owie is going to keep it safe and dry while it gets better. Leaving it exposed to the elements is not only an open invitation for infection, but it’s uncouth. Nobody wants to see that business.

As you can see, bacon is absolutely a key element in maintaining proper health. It can protect your teeth, skin and lips if some people–you know who you are–would just let it do its job.

Let’s see sausage do all that.