Banana Fights Back! Ohio Gorilla Mascot Attacked

Last week, an unsuspecting gorilla mascot, stationed outside a cellular store in Strongsville, Ohio, was taught an unusual lesson about the modern food chain.

Bananas have long since been the underdog in the war between primates and fruit, and apparently, they’ve had enough.

It was an ordinary day for The Wireless Center’s gorilla mascot, until an unidentified banana-clad teenager jumped out from some bushes and ran full steam ahead at him, knocking him to the ground. The courageous gorilla chose not to fight back, but simply picked himself up, re-adjusted his furry head and kept waving his sign.

The brazen banana remains at large.

It’s lucky for him that the gorilla man involved embraced peace, but who knows what would happen if such a twisted tale of banana on gorilla violence spread to the gorilla mascot community? I believe we might see a rash of retaliatory assaults taking place.

Such a horrific incident might look like this:

I dream of a day when banana men and gorilla people can live together in harmony. Will such a glorious day ever come?

Chicago Man Arrested for Nacho Cheese Theft

I always get a kick out of stupid criminal stories, and this is no exception.

50-year-old Michael Richards, learned the hard way that when it’s not-cho cheese, you can’t just help yourself at a 7-Eleven in Chi-town. He purchased a bag of chips and then went to the nacho cheese dispenser and started squirting it in.

An employee told him that the cheese was for customers who paid for nachos…and cheese…to which Richards allegedly answered by twisting the attendant’s arm behind his back and threatening him.

Let it be known, that’s a HUGE no-no. Not only is stealing nacho cheese and hurting people illegal, it’s just bad etiquette. I strongly encourage FunSlurp’s readers, not to pull a Michael Richards, and just buy the stinking cheese. Otherwise, you might find yourself in his shoes, sitting in jail and looking for $10,000 in bail and a lifetime of no one trusting you around their nachos.

If you’re afraid you might lose control over a mad nacho cheese craving, keep a tin of Nacho Mints on you at all times. Better safe than sorry.

Swindled by your crack dealer? Don’t call the popo!

Most people have made a drunk dial or 10 that they later regretted, but Dexter White of North Charleston, SC learned that calling the cops when he’s on crack is just a plain old bad idea.

Apparently, Mr. White was a touch disgruntled after he was short-changed during a crack deal. He’d given his dealer $60 and only received $20 worth of crack cocaine. He decided, after smoking his score, that he wouldn’t stand for such a bamboozle and contacted the local police.


It turns out, the police weren’t as supportive of his complaint as White had hoped, and arrested him for disorderly conduct. Tsk. Tsk.

Seriously, who could have possibly guessed that a drug dealer could be so dishonest? I know I’m shocked. Word to the wise, kiddies, the next time your crack dealer tries to pull one over on you, try the Better Business Bureau first.