New Year’s Resolutions: Flavored Floss for the Dieter

The most popular New Year’s Resolution is to lose weight. Both men and women fall prey to this goal every year, and inevitably it’s temptation that fouls things up eventually.

If you’re on embarking on a quest for better health through weight loss in 2012, don’t let those naughty cravings stand in the way of your sexy six pack! Start every day with an indulgence that tastes great, promotes amazing dental health and won’t contribute to your waistline!

Keep some of our amazing flavored flosses on hand, and whenever you feel a craving coming on, nip it in the bud…the taste bud that is!

Cupcake Dental Floss

For the sweet tooth…literally. This yummy floss will keep the taste for sweets from ruining all your hard work.

Bacon Dental Floss

Next to the sweet craving the salty one is the worst. Don’t give in to greasy fries or sodium loaded chips! Grab your bacon floss and go to town!

Ranch Dental Floss

You’re on a diet, so there’s a good chance you’re eating more vegetables than that groundhog plaguing your grandma’s garden. Unfortunately, while ranch dressing can make even broccoli taste better, it’s not exactly on the dieter’s menu. Afterwards, however, get that stray spinach out of your incisors with our delicious Ranch Dental Floss.

His and Hers Flavored Dental Floss

Are you and your honey dieting together? How sweet it is! We have something for both of you in our His and Hers Flavored Floss combo. He gets savory bacon and she gets sweet cherry. When you find yourselves craving other other, go for it. Love means sharing, right?

Why Bacon is Good for You

Bacon is the king of breakfast meats. Sausage and ham are just jealous posers. You know it. I know it. The world knows it.

Still, some “medical professionals” get down on bacon for being “unhealthy.” Some crap about clogged arteries and blood pressure. Blah, blah, blah. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the ham and sausage people are paying them off.

It raises eyebrows, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I’m here to prove that bacon has its medical benefits.

Exhibit A:

Bacon Soap: Being dirty is nasty. It can lead to all sorts of cooties hanging around, not to mention unappealing natural aromas that people tend to emit when other people (side eye to the other breakfast meat folks) get all up in their faces about bacon being bad for their tickers.

Exhibit B:

Bacon Floss: Rotting, cavity infested teeth? Not hot, or healthy. Flossing is an undeniably important step in proper oral care–yet millions of people skip it every single day. Why? Because floss generally tastes like mint–which everyone knows mucks up the taste of a crispy piece of bacon. Clearly, the only solution to the nation’s aversion to flossing is to make that waxy string taste like meat–scrumptious, salty, crispy pig meat.

Exhibit C:

Bacon Toothpaste: See Bacon Floss.

Exhibit D:

Bacon Toothpicks: What do you do when you’ve just finished a meal and you have a piece of food stuck in your teeth? The world keeps spinning whether there’s popcorn between your molars or not. So, unless you want to risk losing your job so you can quickly run to the bathroom and brush your teeth, you need to use toothpicks. Having food trapped between your teeth is going to lead to poor oral health, which will cost you an arm and a leg in dental bills, not to mention you could get a serious case of funk breath, which will repel your significant other. And everyone knows studies have shown that married people live longer. Yeah…that just happened.

Exhibit E:

Bacon Lip Balm: Dry, cracked, chapped lips can result in open sores on a very important orifice. Who loves open sores? Bacteria. Are you following me here? If you don’t properly moisturize that kisser, you’re in for a world of hurt.

Exhibit F:

Bacon Band Aids: Speaking of boo boos and bacteria, you’ve got to cover that junk up if it’s going to heal. Slapping a bacon adhesive bandage on that owie is going to keep it safe and dry while it gets better. Leaving it exposed to the elements is not only an open invitation for infection, but it’s uncouth. Nobody wants to see that business.

As you can see, bacon is absolutely a key element in maintaining proper health. It can protect your teeth, skin and lips if some people–you know who you are–would just let it do its job.

Let’s see sausage do all that.