Do you have one of those moms that’s constantly telling you she doesn’t want anything for special occasions, like say this upcoming Mother’s Day? Since I’m a mom, I can say with confidence that she’s not telling the truth. Of course she wants to know you’ve been thinking of her, she just doesn’t want to sound selfish.

We moms, as a breed, are grown to put up a front of complete selflessness. In the beginning, it happens naturally, because we have those cute little babies to take care of.

Later on, however, it becomes a habit, and we’re all secretly afraid that our mom cards will be revoked if we were ever to be like dads and say what we really want. “Heck yeah, I want a gift! Make it a hot pink, rag-top Volkswagen Beetle convertible with custom cheetah print interior, or I’ll write your ingrate keister out of the will, buddy boy.”

Seriously. She’s thinking it. Time has just trained her not to say it.

So, instead of seizing the opportunity to out her desire to feel the wind in her hair Herbie style, when you ask what she wants for Mother’s Day, she says, “Oh, honey, save your money for your student loans. I’m just happy you and the kids could visit.”

Now, you know that lovey dovey, barfy stuff she just regurgitated at you wasn’t sincere, but you take the get out of jail free card and run with it.

SHAME ON YOU!

That woman carried you for nine long, uncomfortable, stretch-marky months, brought you into this world, loved and protected you, threatened bullies for you, put you through college (where you partied more than studied) and then paid a ridiculous bundle of cash for your dream wedding. What you need to do is give her what she deserves this Mother’s Day…

A reason to come clean next year when you ask!

That’s right. Like a little bird being nudged from the nest, you have to dole out some tough love so she has no choice but to speak up for herself next year. The best way to deprogram her martyrdom is to give her a gift so preposterous that she’ll be thinking about it all year long.

For example:

Animal Butt Magnets

Lazy Mop Slippers

Dish Play Gloves

Inflatable Beard

Speeding Cuz I Have to Poop Window Sign

Now, I realize that she may not talk to you for a while after she opens her gift, but you’re doing this for her own good. I guarantee when she breaks the silence, she’ll be sure to tell you exactly what’s on her mind.

What better gift can you give your mom than the freedom of mother-child honesty? It’s truly a gift that keeps on giving all year round. Some very, very, very, VERY distant day, she just may even thank you for it.